Be Gentle With Yourself, You're Doing The BEST You Can.

I'm kind of struggling. 

I feel like all I do is yell at my 3 year old. He is just a little boy and I am the most impatient mommy. 

I'm sure every mom goes through this, but I don't feel it's changing like it normally does. We went through this when he turned 2 and I felt like It just fixed itself. 

He. does. not. LISTEN. EVER. It goes in one ear and out the other. 

I get it, it's normal. He is a 3 year old. But It hasn't seemed to get better at all.

In fact, He's starting to get jealous of all the attention his sister is getting. 

This month has been hard on Lily. We have had a lot of changes and It's been hard to give them both the attention they need. James has noticed and is acting out like I have never seen. 

He talks back like he is a teenager. We like to call him a Threenager. Because that is what he is. 

I feel like I have tried everything. I have limited screen time and he is eating a little better but nothing is changing.

He would rather get into everything that he is not supposed to, or be loud and insanely obnoxious, than play with all his toys. It's not like he doesn't have enough. 

He is a very intelligent little guy and so it's the most frustrating thing. He knows what sets us off and he is doing this stuff to get our attention. The wrong kind of attention. 

And with that, comes so much frustration and yelling on my part. 

I am trying so hard to patient and I'm trying to get in that mind set but I'm failing at every turn.

I am disappointed in the tone that I use when I talk to James and mostly I'm just so disappointed in myself for the way I handle these situations. 

There's part of me that is like, Whoa, You need to be nicer to your kid, you are going to screw him up. Then there's another part of me that is like you are doing fine, It's just a phase. I'm really not sure If I'm being too hard on him or if I'm just being a mom. 

Our neighbors a couple doors down have 4 kids all under 5 and she is WAY more chill than I am. I don't understand how she is so calm, when I'm over here freaking out with 2! 

I'm also very frustrated because Lucas and I want a houseful of these little Goonies but if I am this stressed out with just 2 how am I going to be with 2 or 3 more? 

I haven't been sleeping very well and I know that it's this that is keeping me up at night. I felt like the best mom when I just had James. I felt like I was giving him everything he needed and I was able to give him all my attention and love and it's so much harder to do that now. Lately Lily has just taken up ALL my energy.

I really really miss my one on one time with James some days.  

I was cruising Pinterest late last night while I couldn't sleep and I came across this pretty reminder:

My attitude and James' attitude isn't going to change overnight. I'm trying and can try harder. 

Prayer is a big part too. I need to be better at praying and putting my trust in my Heavenly Father.

Because those moments when I hate myself for the way I acted, James always forgives me and so does My Father in Heaven. 

I MUST be gentle with myself or nothing is going to change. 

I have to forgive myself and I have to give myself and James a break. 

I think I'm too hard on us both. 

James will grow up to be a great man because he has a Mommy that loves him with her whole heart and a Daddy who is the definition of a Gentleman.
Most days I just feel so defeated. I'm hoping I can get out of this rut soon.